A struggle I no longer have WITH them but I have FOR me

      The more gender classes I take it seems the more I learn about myself. There is much about me that I just felt was "natural," that I was simply born this/that way; however in the readings done in class and the discussions where I must look in deeper ways I have found society has "made" us. In the article by Elizabeth Mitchell she writes a paragraph that touches me and Im sure it touches others too. She says, "we need to identify where our own passions lie and isolate them from what we think other people want for us. What do we want to do with our lives? Whom do we want to love?" For many years in every relationship I have had in my life (parents, friendships, romantic relationships) I have let others dictate to who I am. I have become who others wanted when they have wanted it, I went to college and majored in a career I know I did not want, I had an eating disorder because society said I was ugly and kids were vicious with words, and I gave up me to be who one wanted to be with while accomplishing their dreams and ignoring my own. 

       As a woman there is a struggle we have to be perfect. We have to constantly change with the trends of beauty, to remain cool like a man but elegant like a lady, have some power but less power than a man, and do what society finds acceptable. What is acceptable these days? Even more so what is acceptable for a women today? Tomorrow? Next week? For 23 years I searched for me and not just me as a human but for me as a woman and what I have found is joy and beauty in the struggles I have faced. I have learned, like Mitchell, to identify my passion and isolate them from others wants for me or opinions of me. I know what I want for ME and I know the kind of man I want to Love and one day call MY husband. I have discovered these things for me, by me, and with me in mind! I no longer feel the need to throw my food up, dress like the magazines or boys tell me, or live according to the wants of him/her/them, and I no longer put me away to be hidden. 

        While society will always be an influence on the way we live and how we feel about ourselves I know there are many ways around that  and that is knowing who I am and who I want to be. I have found my passion for life again and love for me and that in itself is beauty. My happiness came from acceptance from others for far too long. It saddens me when I think how far will we/others go to find happiness from others? Even more importantly is one's own happiness worth losing for another? 

A Longer Leash is still a Leash

After class on Tuesday I realized how much deeper my blogs should be, not only in analyzing my experience, but looking deeper into myself and gender communication. Elizabeth Mitchell's, "an odd break with the human heart," was an incredible piece of writing in which I found myself in many times. There was a particular section on pages 55- 56 that spoke to me especially during this time in my journey called life. I am one who tries not to bash the experiences in my life as they have made me a better person, however, we all have them and as much growth as they have give they tend to still suck. My mother and I have never had a strong relationship. We have never had anything to talk about except our faith in God. No boy talks, relationship issues, every day struggles of life, or situations I found myself personally struggling with.  On page 55 Mitchell writes, "she keeps me on a long leash. To some extent, she seems to use me as a proxy to fight her demons of self-doubt and insecurity..." This spoke to me because it is exactly how my relationship is with my mom. She allows me to be an adult but only to a point. This point is usually when my wants surpass her wants for me, which a majority of the time are the wants she had for herself.  I also notice that if it is my idea it's not a good one or if I change my mind I'm wrong, but once that idea becomes hers it is the winning choice. My long leash consists of big dreams, ideas, and goals but instead of the sky's the limit, the yard is mine, at least this is my perception. This article made me really understand that my mom isn't purposely clutching this leash in her hands, she's trying to hold on to what moments she did had and dreams she once dreamed of turning I to reality. While I complain of my long leash as a woman, I am saddened by the realization of my mothers leash and how shortened it was compared to mine and my grandmothers length compared to my moms. As mentioned in one of my previous blogs and my grand,others opinion on female doctors, I have to wonder do her opinions come from her actual feelings or her "no woman shall/ will/ could/should," scars given to her by her leash? Does my mother pull my leash back because she feels I can't or because her leash left her scars that scream, "no?" Is she trying to save me from this society of, "No woman" instead of having society leave the scars on me as well?

Foucault: power in relationships

In th chapter of Foucault and power I found myself extremely draw to the statement, " wherever power is exercised, resistance is also produced." I was recently in a relationship with this guy for over three years where I felt powerless in terms of communication. I never grew up in a household where there was communication especially about feelings. It just wasn't allowed or acknowledged respectfully. Because of this I have an extremely difficult time expressing my feelings accurately or articulately, on the other hand, his communication was very articulate, straight forward, and well worded so many times I would leave things alone which gave him power. This was the same growing up. I found myself being resistant to communicate, to share, or to make that effort to gain some power. I resisted it and was turned off by it after awhile to the point of just not. So I have to say that I do agree with power comes resistance, whether it be from the less powerful one or the one with the power.