Verbally Nonverbal

       When it comes to gender and nonverbal communication there is a big difference in expectations for how women should look and how men should look. Society and the "rules" society puts upon gender and external appearance, which is mentioned in the article we read in class. This article gives an insight on this particular role from society as well as how transsexuals face the challenges to their recent opposing co-genders. The article stated, " it is often a requirement upon oppressed people that we smile and be cheerful." This article backs up the idea of those who are better off than us should be smiling and dancing in the streets with joy. I related this to the the relationship between transgenders and transsexuals. Transsexuals sometimes want to be transgendered again and transgendered might wish to be transsexuals. Both can feel the other should be happy and when they aren't they don't see the reasons or struggles to why. To relate this article to gender and my own personal experience comes from, "Anything but the sunniest counterfeit exposes us to being perceived as mean, bitter, angry, or dangerous." I have to say I have been victim to this. 
       All day long my mind is going which is probably why I am a psychology major. I'm also a senior in college who has way too much due or too much to study. I don't walk around smiling as I walk through the hallways, I walk around making to do lists of school life and personal life. If I am focused at work people always think I am mad because I'm not laughing or joking. If I am with a man and I'm not smiling or laughing at all his dumb jokes he wants to be funny but are not in any way then I am a bitch. I feel as a women we are to walk around smiling, laughing, gliding through life as I walk, and have a glisten in my eye at all times. 
        Two of these four are not possible to begin with! If I don't uphold my self to these standards of being a woman then "watch out" because the chances of me being bitter, mean, and bitchy are the only excuse. Is that fair? Because I don't fake a laugh to impress a man I'm a bitch? If I don't swoon over a pick line then I'm bitter because of my last relationship? I'd rather practice smiling with eyes like Tyra Banks teaches the models in training instead of showing off the teeth I'm insecure about so that in fact makes me angry? Just because I am a woman doesn't mean I like to follow womanly trends according to society but if following the ways of my heart makes me angry, bitter, and mean in the eyes of close minded traditionalists ill take it! 

Modern masculinity: does modern make it right?

In chapter 8 of Gauntlett, Callaghan questions, " are babes, cars, sports, and a few fancy bags all we're interested in?" (Pg 169) This specific sentence stood out to me because unlike woman who are told beauty and body is beautiful and womanly, men are being told it is the materials they posses that makes them men. Or if they don't watch sports they aren't a real man. This is something I see everyday in my life and the interactions I do and do not have with men. I know many men who feel that if they have the newest Jordan's, names brand shirts they saw in the last music video, nice cars, and can get material as well as distribute they are a real man. I had a specific relationship with a man where all he did was buy things. Not even just things but socially "manly" things such as, newest muscle car, high technology gadgets, and clothing. While this was nice for him and might have made him happy it is not what a woman considers manly. I don't know about Ny other women out there but I want a man that gives me intellectual stimulation, who loves the Lord, and the things he buys are simple things that bring simple joy because of his feelings not because of society. In terms of sports my brother in law is a special forces green beret. For a lack of better words he is a bad ass dude! He is a real life action hero. He does not watch sports at all! None! Doesn't even watch tv. He reads! Yet I have heard some males make comments to him about how unmanly he is, and questioning of his manly hood and masculinity. Is that what it comes down too? Is this military hero, modern day action hero who puts his life on the line every day unmanly because he would rather read and save a life amongst dangerous environments than hit a baseball or shoot a three pointer? Does this story change your stereotype? Is there any situations similar that have changed your own personal opinion?

I have found myself thinking the same negative thoughts about defining men but that has changed with age and definitely reassured after reading this chapter. 

Unconscious conformity

It's a concept we hear everyday; the media influences the ways in which we live our lives and in how express who we are. I read my partners blog and her blog consisted of the question of whether it was the media or the audience that made trends and ways of "life." I responded by defending the media and putting fault on us, the audience because I feel the audience is what makes something hot or something not. the media just gives us an idea. In reading chapter two I came across the sentence, " you shall conform, with no instruction as to what;...the power of cultures industry ideology is such that conformity has replaced consciousness" (pg. 25). 

In my youth and even in some of my high school days I conformed to these ideas of beautiful or cool but I had no idea how I even started to do so or when it began. I began to conform without any instruction to do so. No one told me this is how you should dress or what shoes you should by, you're hair should be this color or that length.  It was like it was unconscious. As stated in the book my conformity replaced my consciousness. Towards the end of high school and in college I totally did things my way in terms of getting piercings, changing my hair color, wearing what I felt comfortable in but then I see even then it was a form of conformity. It seems like today it is really hard to look as if you are not conforming  because in one way or another we all really do. We conform based on our jobs, friendships, and relationships. Products we use, cars we drive, magazines we read, or college classes we attend there is a form of conformity. 

I don't have a Facebook or a twitter but I do have an Instagram. I have conformed to a form of social networking. I have an iPhone 5, an iPad, and a Mac laptop. I have conformed to the "way" of technology. I text more than I talk on the phone. I conformed to how my generation communicates. As much as I say, "I am my own person, I am unique, I am woman hear me roar," I have conformed in one way or another. Is there really such a thing as being individual? Has conformity replaced the conscious? What other things have I/you conformed to? Was that intentional?

Highest achievement? Feeling like a woman!

It seems that we are told by so many people how to be our particular gender based on our sex. I always knew I was a girl. I knew this because I had pretty clothes with ribbons and bows, boy shorts that weren't for boys because mine had flower patches on them, I got to wear lip smackers chap stick, strawberry flavored of course; I had barbies who were girls and dressed like me, a pink and purple bike, and even a my size barbie I carried everywhere because after all she was just like me. I knew when I was a young lady. I knew this when my birthday present was red spots in my preteen underwear, when lip gloss replaced my lip smackers chap stick, my hair started to have an extra bounce, and I shaved areas other than my legs. I knew when I was a woman. I knew I was a woman when I had my first real boyfriend who took my only innocence left called virginity, when I filled out my clothes differently, preteen underwear became the finest linguire target could provide, and when I actually started to care how I presented myself. These are all things I know but I know and knew them because of what I had seen or heard growing up. From my sisters to my peers and their siblings, this is how it was to be a woman.  

On page 151 in chapter 7 the statement, "we already recognise gender as something of an achievement. If a woman puts on a dress and make-up, she might declare,  'I feel like a woman tonight.'" I absolutely fell in love with this quote because it is true. Male or female we look forward to the little things that define our "adulthood." For a female things like wearing make-up or getting our menses for the first time because we found that as an achievement in life. As mentioned before I stated I knew that I was a girl, a young lady, and a woman but I never mentioned that I FELT or FEEL like one. I dress up occasionally and I wear something make-up related daily but I have never felt that urge to say, "I feel like a woman tonight!"Is that what makes a woman truly a woman? Am I a woman by definition based on how dressed up I get or the how glamorous I can be? I have to say NO! 

I feel most like a woman when I am in yoga pants and a t-shirt doing homework or working out. I feel most like a woman when I am reading a book that I am so enthralled in I can't put it down or watching a beautiful love story while finding myself smiling so hard my face hurts but crying that my eyes become heavy. I feel like a woman when I can look at my real achievements in life such as being a survivor not a victim, having a college degree, working a respected profession, and having a deep faith with my GOD. This is being a woman to me, not the superficiality of performing like a woman. I will say feeling like a woman and pretending to be a woman are two very different things. I recently found the meaning of feeling like a woman and that is one of my biggest achievements. WHY? Because I found the feeling my way, by me, and for me! How many woman know what it truly feels like to FEEL like a woman and do not just pretend to know? How many woman know at the age of 23?

A struggle I no longer have WITH them but I have FOR me

      The more gender classes I take it seems the more I learn about myself. There is much about me that I just felt was "natural," that I was simply born this/that way; however in the readings done in class and the discussions where I must look in deeper ways I have found society has "made" us. In the article by Elizabeth Mitchell she writes a paragraph that touches me and Im sure it touches others too. She says, "we need to identify where our own passions lie and isolate them from what we think other people want for us. What do we want to do with our lives? Whom do we want to love?" For many years in every relationship I have had in my life (parents, friendships, romantic relationships) I have let others dictate to who I am. I have become who others wanted when they have wanted it, I went to college and majored in a career I know I did not want, I had an eating disorder because society said I was ugly and kids were vicious with words, and I gave up me to be who one wanted to be with while accomplishing their dreams and ignoring my own. 

       As a woman there is a struggle we have to be perfect. We have to constantly change with the trends of beauty, to remain cool like a man but elegant like a lady, have some power but less power than a man, and do what society finds acceptable. What is acceptable these days? Even more so what is acceptable for a women today? Tomorrow? Next week? For 23 years I searched for me and not just me as a human but for me as a woman and what I have found is joy and beauty in the struggles I have faced. I have learned, like Mitchell, to identify my passion and isolate them from others wants for me or opinions of me. I know what I want for ME and I know the kind of man I want to Love and one day call MY husband. I have discovered these things for me, by me, and with me in mind! I no longer feel the need to throw my food up, dress like the magazines or boys tell me, or live according to the wants of him/her/them, and I no longer put me away to be hidden. 

        While society will always be an influence on the way we live and how we feel about ourselves I know there are many ways around that  and that is knowing who I am and who I want to be. I have found my passion for life again and love for me and that in itself is beauty. My happiness came from acceptance from others for far too long. It saddens me when I think how far will we/others go to find happiness from others? Even more importantly is one's own happiness worth losing for another? 

A Longer Leash is still a Leash

After class on Tuesday I realized how much deeper my blogs should be, not only in analyzing my experience, but looking deeper into myself and gender communication. Elizabeth Mitchell's, "an odd break with the human heart," was an incredible piece of writing in which I found myself in many times. There was a particular section on pages 55- 56 that spoke to me especially during this time in my journey called life. I am one who tries not to bash the experiences in my life as they have made me a better person, however, we all have them and as much growth as they have give they tend to still suck. My mother and I have never had a strong relationship. We have never had anything to talk about except our faith in God. No boy talks, relationship issues, every day struggles of life, or situations I found myself personally struggling with.  On page 55 Mitchell writes, "she keeps me on a long leash. To some extent, she seems to use me as a proxy to fight her demons of self-doubt and insecurity..." This spoke to me because it is exactly how my relationship is with my mom. She allows me to be an adult but only to a point. This point is usually when my wants surpass her wants for me, which a majority of the time are the wants she had for herself.  I also notice that if it is my idea it's not a good one or if I change my mind I'm wrong, but once that idea becomes hers it is the winning choice. My long leash consists of big dreams, ideas, and goals but instead of the sky's the limit, the yard is mine, at least this is my perception. This article made me really understand that my mom isn't purposely clutching this leash in her hands, she's trying to hold on to what moments she did had and dreams she once dreamed of turning I to reality. While I complain of my long leash as a woman, I am saddened by the realization of my mothers leash and how shortened it was compared to mine and my grandmothers length compared to my moms. As mentioned in one of my previous blogs and my grand,others opinion on female doctors, I have to wonder do her opinions come from her actual feelings or her "no woman shall/ will/ could/should," scars given to her by her leash? Does my mother pull my leash back because she feels I can't or because her leash left her scars that scream, "no?" Is she trying to save me from this society of, "No woman" instead of having society leave the scars on me as well?

Foucault: power in relationships

In th chapter of Foucault and power I found myself extremely draw to the statement, " wherever power is exercised, resistance is also produced." I was recently in a relationship with this guy for over three years where I felt powerless in terms of communication. I never grew up in a household where there was communication especially about feelings. It just wasn't allowed or acknowledged respectfully. Because of this I have an extremely difficult time expressing my feelings accurately or articulately, on the other hand, his communication was very articulate, straight forward, and well worded so many times I would leave things alone which gave him power. This was the same growing up. I found myself being resistant to communicate, to share, or to make that effort to gain some power. I resisted it and was turned off by it after awhile to the point of just not. So I have to say that I do agree with power comes resistance, whether it be from the less powerful one or the one with the power. 

Crisis of the male identity

In reading the required book for class, I came upon a captivating statement in the introduction section (page 7); "the crisis in male identity brought about by the changes in the workplace and family unit; the rise of left-feminism." I found this quote interesting because I truly feel males in today's society struggle with the "uprising woman." At least from my experience I have noticed and heard men want an independent woman who can handle her own business, make her own money, and do what she needs to do to get things done; however, once a man finds that woman they respond by calling them "too independent" and how they make it hard for men to be men. I feel like this particular statement hits that right on the head at least for men raised with traditional roles such as being told to be a provider. In today's society women work full time and in demanding careers, they take care of the household, and their children. Because there is a lack of fathers in the lives of children today women take over that role as well. this type of behavior can be intimidating to men and in turn can allow room for doubt in male, masculine identity. I feel it also leads to insecurities but can also make a man work harder. I have to ask what does this mean for women in the dating world and in society? Will the female species be looked down upon for this too?

Stereotypes from Class...Manly woman

My group discussed a lot of stereotypes for both males and females.  We agreed on most of them not only being stereotypes but also all seemed to be open to the fact that they were and are in fact stereotypes and are not necessarily true for all males or all females. When I was going over the article we read in class by Judith Lorber there was a particular statement than I really connected with. The statement was, "manly hearted women," which referred to women who live like men from the power standpoint. I believe a big stereotype for women is that they are loving and affectionate or at least should be. I instantly was drawn to this because I have always just taken charge of my life and demanded respect as a women but maybe in a stereotypical manly way. I'm not the type to make sure the house is spotless, the meals are hot and ready, or a man's clothes are pressed and ironed for the next day. Again, this is not to say I don't show affection but my way of showing it is not in a submissively dependent way. I grew up in a family where there was a lack of affection in not only the men but in the women. In fact in most situations it seemed the women lacked affection and love more than the men did. An ex-boyfriend pointed to it out to me one day. He said I didn't give him enough affection and brought up how that is what women "do."  No it is not what WOMEN do, it's what some people do. I have learned that when given respect, affection, and love I give it just as equal if not more because it is EQUAL amongst one another. I wonder how is affection and love defined differently for genders and how is it physically taught? Is it always through that exampled by women? Are affectionate men considered womanly men?

Night to His Day post

What makes a woman? Is it the way she wears her hair or how her makeup is applied? Is it the clothes she wears on her body and does that body shape determine just how womanly she is? Is it how she walks or talks or her chronological age? I have struggled with this concept of womanhood for as long as I can remember. I always wondered what would make me a woman. Would my first kiss do it? No. The day I lost my virginity? Not even close. If anything it made me feel like property and not my own. Would having a kid or getting married do it? Moving out? I just could not grasp the idea and with every situation I could not find the answer. Women all have different journeys and that itself makes it hard to find the answer. These last couple years and more recently the last couple of months I have been on a journey of self discovery. When I read the article for class, Simone de Beauvoir is quoted saying, " one is not born, but rather becomes, a woman; it is civilization as a whole that produces this creature...which is described as feminine," it hit me. What makes a woman and what makes a WOMAN are two different creations! As a little girl all the things I thought would make me a woman such as my style, makeup, walk, and talk were what society taught me in terms of being a woman. As a 23 year old woman today I have learned that being a woman is being created. I have become a woman based on what I have been through, the people I have met and  have lost, the experiences enjoyed and the experiences regretted, the tears, the pain, and the joy; I am a woman because I have become a woman. I am a woman because I continue to become a better woman. I am a woman because I don't let society "make" me but because I let society guide me in a positive direction. I am a woman because that's what I choose to be.  I often wonder about what do other women think or other men. What is being a woman to them? What is being a man? Really.....how do we get there?